decree or not decree

Want to send a gift
please no more than nine hundred
ninety nine thousand.

the rest was a haiku but not so funny in haiku

“Because that’s how many years it will last”

fed x documents
divorce of the century
found against door

HUMOROUS part:

only part i understood of lawyer speak : if anyone gives me a million dollars ,decree is ended forever.i didn’t graduate fourth in my class from harvard law,like one of my attorneys, but i have enough sense to know the other side believes this. i guess they can’t do math.

i just want to say,you better hope no one gives me a million dollars, because the first thing i will do is hire forensic accountants to find the millions, that you only have, because of my fathers kindness trust and love …..
you just better thank your lucky sociopath stars you only have to work one half hour a month, to earn that.
`
totally forgot ;
Tried to explain
to gentleman from Tennessee
getting a GET.

when he informed me i was still married to my x husband. he said jewish people cannot get divorced.and he wasn’t even drinking moonshine at the time.
`
But Please : i do not want to win the lottery

please don’t allow anyone to leave me anything in their will

i would just love some peace and quiet, but no one has even given me that, for one day ,in my life, since i was little, so why would anyone give me a million.LOL

and if you have to send a gift, please be sure ,you only send 999,999.00.

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Bad bad bad storm or thirteen lives

one million haiku
from april and may never
-ending yesterday.

i think grandma won the funniest haiku contest yesterday.she may have topped men who say the darndest things in haiku.
not my grandma, because i was 22, when mine was 99.oldest jewish person in s.c., a few years earlier.

grandma grandpa their son,the d j & i were waiting for a storm to pass,in the gazebo,like idiots.it was like a hurricane.

i heard her tell grandpa ;

(your ipad don’t half work
she wanted him to stay
was a big mistake)

“You know you’d rather
be out here with this pretty
lady
.
.
.
and me”.

she laughed at her joke
then we spent three hours
blown around by storm.

cement trash can
by cement pond blew across
floor almost hit me.

water up to ankles
rain from three directions
wet t shirt contest.
~
the d j wrote a haiku too & he doesn’t even know :

“Exchanging of numbers
a summer ritual
at myrtle beach”.

why do people speak in 17 syllables and why do i count ?
(omg that was also a haiku.i can’t help it . i need dr bombay).
`
blackbirds fly pouring
rain chewing hamburger buns
french fries and cheetos.

three blackbirds squawking
palm tree can’t withstand fighting
topples over.
`
“Toes ” Zac Brown Band

“i’m leaving G A
body’s been kissed by the sun
ass in the sand”.

“toes in the water
i’m not going back again
cold beer in my hand”

Don’t Think Too Hard

In front of sign please
do not reserve pool furniture
she reserves four.

`

If i breathe the
salt air will i still have a
salt deficiency?

`
Man carrying three
pair new shoes while his wife
is walking bare footed.

`
pulling out tangles
woman walks by and says ouch
tell her she is right.
`
wouldn’t it be lovely
if you could drown your sorrows
in the pool?

`
I would like to shoot
the man who invented spray
on suntan lotion.

`
I would give death
penalty to person who
invented cigarettes.

`

In law enforcement
you should live every single
day like it’s the last.

`

Chew Tobacco Spit

Starting to grow on me
the words not the music
so hilarious.

`
don’t understand what
any of this means so i
wrote 2 country songs:

“baby you make me
want to roll my windows down
and cru uu uise”?

” talking to a red solo cup”? (aren’t you drunk )?

“chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco spit”?

“no shoes no shirt no problem”? (usually a problem)?
`
so i wrote these songs,(they’re at least haiku),like wierd al yankovic:
I

All i need is a man
who hates country music
as much as i do.

Likes blue solo cups
doesn’t spit tobacco or
tangle grandma’s yarn.

Just leaves cruise controls
to the pilots when we
get our shine on.

He’s sweeter than
Dixie Crystal sugar and tanner
than Sue Bee honey.

He’s my sweet potato
casserole with marshmallows
and brown sugar.

No shoes no shirt
no pants full service
no tattoo big problem.

II can slso be sung to dave brubeck’s take 5:

if only you didn’t
have a cross on your back
cause i’m jewish.

it’s my cross to bear
we can’t be buried together
it’s unlawful.

YOU CAN”T be buried
in a jewish cemetary
with a tattoo. chorus

why hasn’t anyone
written a song about this
in my lifetime.

it would have saved you
a lot of terrible pain
and more pain today.

You Can’t be buried
in a jewish cemetery
with a tattoo. chorus

that’s why i don’t
have one and i never will
wouldn’t if i could.

Larry David show
they had to move his mother
cemetery plot.

You Can’t be buried
in a jewish cemetery
with a tattoo…
~
(note in haiku):
( while i find larry david
the most hilarious
jew that i know.

next to mr. mishuginah
don’t enjoy the
self loathing jew bits.

mr. narcissist wants
to bribe someone changing
5000 year laws.

that is like asking
the pope to change good friday
to a thursday).

~

Tonight Tattoo Galifianakis

Hot Chelle Rae

‘Tonight Tonight”

“i don’t know if i’ll
make it but watch how good i’ll
fake it it’s all right”

“we’re goin’ at it
tonight tonight there’s a party
on the rooftop”

“kinda looks like you
woke up with strange tattoo
galifianakis”
~

“Horror Movie Actor from N.C.”
(deserves his own page too)

he kept yelling “hey
you can come sit up here moved
bags off chair”.
reaching inside lone bag
flip flops fit he realized
chair was mine.

“Zach Galifianakis
sold suntan lotion here
several years ago”

“when you get your shine on”

In Haiku

(men say darndest things
every day i think this man
deserves his own page.):

This Man from Tennessee does:

knows where all the back
doors are and all the front doors
he likes his moon shine.

“you’re awful quiet
up there you ain’t said two words
you like the shade”.

“want a nice cold beer
seriously it would help
your laryngitis”.

“don’t you think i knew
you were jewish the minute
you sat down here”.

Before Something Stupid Was Said
(he was talking about
the holocaust so i
thought i should tell him.
luckily for someone
the only dumb words were
his knowing i was. )
~

every time i think
one man can’t top the next i
find out i am wrong.
~ ~ ~

“boys round here drinking
that ice cold beer talkin bout
girls talking bout trucks”

If the d j plays
that song one more time going
to have to shoot her

d j asked could she
play anything for me
i said i like jazz.

she said i do too
but you really can’t play that
at a beach party.