sheep part I

some people count sheep
counting coincidences
it’s like noah’s ark

wed chiropractor
supervisor ATF
was second boyfriend

then jewish reporter
USA Today
another exact same

ATF first job
used to be an ambulance
in NY City

he said people step
over someone having heart attack
on sidewalk

now works for police
at one federal plaza
during 911

lone chiropractor
can say he was husband
so that doesn’t count

~

bitter ben ,pizza, 8th grade

bitter ben made a comment at least you remember something from 8th grade, about pizza. i remember coincidences.
this was the first day of 8th grade:
my english teacher asked me to stay after class.i’m not leave it to beaver. no one had ever asked me to do that. the english teacher
asked me if i was related to (changing names to protect the innocent) avodor.(no, not from yentyl) .yes he’s my cousin. then she asked if i was related to adam and i said he was my brother, so she told me he was in her class, in high school.they were the same age . she wasn’t his teacher,and she had a crush on him.

then i go to the next class and my social studies teacher asked me to stay after class. what have i done now.not thinking this could be the exact same situation, an hour later,she tells me she went to school with my sister . apparently she is three years younger than than my brother.also she said pizza had more vitamins than any food and i don’t believe she had spinach and feta.

3 jews and a cowboy cafe

a tale of coincidences`

it was thursday night at the cowboy cafe`, in arlington , va. realizing i could buy my own condo and not have larry david silly arguments about planes and lightning. i had my own table , my own city paper and the chef would bring a cheese quesadilla and not let me pay. i could go see any movie i wanted to, every movie in the city paper, without
having to wait for mr. mishuginah to decide out of 10 newspapers , which review was the best. heaven knows i didn’t have enough sense to pick a good movie, having seen every trailer known to mankind. a good movie is one that has no music , very depresssing and an old woman dies in a foreign language, apparently.

as i was waiting for my cab driver, at the window, mr. mishuginah , who had apparently been sitting at the bar began speaking to me. after a long time, still with my back turned, thinking that was the universal sign for saying i’m not speaking to you, finally i said i am not speaking to you. he laughed and said that i just did in an adorable way. i told him, i felt like i had to, since he didn’t realize this. he had sent a letter, to s.c. a month after i stopped speaking to him, but i wouldn’t get that letter for 7 years.
he didn’t tell me. my neighbor had placed the letter in a drawer. after 4 years ,i did speak to him, because my chiropractor made me. then again, a few weeks later, at a synagogue on rosh hoshannah, when you have to speak to people you are not speaking to…it’s the law, but i added that was the only reason why and if i see you somewhere tomorrow,i will not be speaking to you.

back to the cowboy cafe thursday…
i went to my new condo and saturday night i was at a synagogue in another state, potomac maryland. someone walked up to me and said thursday night , you were at the cowboy cafe, in arlington.you were wearing gloves…then he went into a very long story ,telling me everything i was wearing and that i was reading the city paper. ( i was pretending to read the city paper, in the dark, so no one would come sit with me).i realized that he had been sitting at the bar with mr. mishuginah.then he said he was a writer and where he worked and it was a block from my new condo.he had the very same job as mr. mishuginah, in the same building, for the same company. could it be true ? there were three jews at a cowboy cafe, thursday? i don’t know which part was the hardest to believe, but he knew what i was wearing. he said he was worried about my ride, because he drove around the block to make sure they had come. other than your husband , you go out with three people in your life and 2 have the same exact job , less than 1000 people have this job in the world, probably closer to 200 ,and they are both jewish. we don’t even have that many unmarried jews in s.c. it was very hard to believe . they didn’t know each other and they were both sitting at the tiny bar. i asked if he was there to kidnap me: it was the strangest thing i had ever heard. two states in two days.it was a joke, but he said yes. and he did. i wasn’t afraid, because my cab driver was also a police officer.

“don’t get around much anymore”

“faded memories
i might have gone but what for
my mind’s more at ease”

i had the law on my sides

the coliseum was new and so was the hockey team. the sign had just flashed how many people were watching the hockey game. sitting next to me on one side was the supervisor of the atf, Gumba.not gumba like tony soprano, but gumba as in friend gumba. he bought 13 season tickets and his agents were sitting next, to us and behind us and then 4 us marshalls were sitting there too.

gumba stood up and asked if i would like a pretzel with no sault. i always found that funny and asked what is sault. i know salt. what is a pretzel with no salt, but a salt deficiency.
even with salt there is a salt deficiency, but that’s another story.
everyone who could hear laughed at me and said i was the one who said it funny, even though we were in s.c., because they were all from NY or NJ, just like a lot of chiropractors in s.c. are from NJ.

still there are thousands of people here and my former husband came in and sat down in the row right below me.gumba turned around and said “that’s her x”. so, they lean down and say seriously, do you want us to throw popcorn at him? they weren’t teasing, and they kept asking because he was facing the wrong way and staring at us. i don’t know if he was staring at gumba’s red leather jacket, his diamond earring or his ponytail, but i know he was also staring at the 18 law enforcemant haircuts,well 17.i can’t count the ponytail.
every single time i have been to the coliseum something strange would happen.

one crab keeps kosher

in six inches of water,i was thinking about all of the people who had been attacked by sharks over spring break,in florida and all of a sudden something grabbed my foot and pulled me.

hysterical i jumped out and asked the fisherman if they were fishing for sharks and they said yes. my foot was bleeding and a very sweet teenager said a crab had grabbed my foot.that was the last time i was going to get in water that deep.eleven days later,i was in water only above my feet, when all of a sudden ,i couldn’t move and just stood there like an idiot pointing at a real shark,i hoped was a dolphin, but it wasn’t….

finally i could move and seven crazy paople came toward me  and the shark,and took pictures of him.he was in very shallow water and swimming in circles eating the bait fish.this woman , from georgia,got out of  her chair and had seen me pointing and asked how i saw him.i said because i was looking.then the people who took his picture tried to tell me how big he was and i said i know he was 15 feet away from me, but i really didn’t know :apparently he was six feet long.i never saw his face.so much for two inches of water.then there was a giant crab,possibly 12 inches around, who wasn’t even in the ocean, but getting a tan.he lifted his back,if the surf came close to him.

the wind was blowing 16 mph and i was thinking, this is ridiculous i feel like uncle fester and 2 seconds later, this man came toward me and said look it’s uncle fester to his friend.”what did you say ,i was just thinking that exact same thing”.

Speaking of Myrtle Beach

Hotel Tales

in ninth grade, my best friend went with us to litchfield.the most delicious seafood  at myrtle beach comes from murrell’s inlet, so every night, you stood in line forever.one night at drunken jacks, we waited in line and the hosteess called smith party of six. this man said party of five, one of us died waiting in line.that was the funniest joke, i had ever heard in my life. i could not stop laughing, to eat dinner.it was so true , you could spend your life waiting in line for dinner.you should get in line, before you are hungry.

the next day we were on the beach and this tiny lady bent over and covered her eyes and saluted and yelled down the beach  is that you errin spelling. it was my 9th grade english teacher, from greenville,s.c five years later, one day my fiance and i were fishing at this lake in spartanburg, and this woman came home and said she was the owner of the house and  we knew each other .she was my german,german teacher from greenville  and she hugged me. well she never hugged me at school. in fact she asked me why my people couldn’t keep new york clean.i had never even been to new york.

two years later, in a gift shop in kingstree s.c., my mother in law and i were shopping, when this woman came in and i heard her speaking to the sales person.it was driving me crazy, that i knew her voice and i could remember her calling my name and i could not figure out who she was, all day. my mother in law called people and found out her name and only then did i realize she was my 12th grade english teacher.it was strange seeing all 3 in different towns .