“hellou hellew”

seven am heilou
fourth day four hour cat nap
it’s avon calling

are you kidding me
avon calling myrtle beach
vacation condos

where’s security
no girl scout cookies but this
my tranquil birthday

no one lets me sleep
repeating hellou hellew
it’s avon calling

i open my eyes
to find edward scissorhands
i was not amused

although i did laugh
because it had seemed so real
awake pudding proof

will i ever learn
keep channel on tv land
quiet mayberry

knock knock

for thirty five years
shave and a hair cut two bits
my father and i

shaving on one side
sensodyne on the other
knocking through the wall

singing in haiku
“i saw those harbour lights
knocking at my door”

paying him to sing
his birthday seventeenth
my birthday also

cherished brother three
they paid my father twenty
two dollars to sing

his favorite joke
two dollars to sing and
twenty to be quiet

yehudi was in
our “icebox” turning off light
refrigerator

you would have to guess
who’s on tv during dinner
“He’s on tonight”

tom jones glen campbell
kojak mannix columbo
barnaby jones

standing in doorway
on the way to dinner
dancing macarena

my mother’s cooking
makes you so happy you dance
before and after

even without salt
after his heart attack
i was ten years old

oven fried chicken
never having anything fried
still delicious

salt isn’t necessary
unless you have a
salt deficiency

and you can even
though it’s quite unheard of
these united states

my ocean eleven

“this is dr.
frasier crane reminding everyone
life is too short”

Frasier
`

“don’t know why i’m
always getting my britches caught
in my own pitch fork”

Andy Griffith
`

“if this mime turns me
gay i am going to start
bringing gay guys home”

Peter to Lois / Family Guy
`

“if you’re planning on
showing up with your cold feetS
tonight forget it”

Green Acres
`

“your little girl seems
to be getting the better
of my little boy”

Family Affair
`

“Raising Hope was not
filmed in front of a live
studio audience”

Raising Hope
`

“he needs to eat
ten thousand calories a day
maintain muscle mass”

Brooklyn 9-9
`

“how come you can’t talk
about me behind my back
like other mothers”

Darlene on Roseanne
`

“i’ve never seen
a cowboy pulling a wagon
full of sandwiches”

Andy Griffith
`

“you know that’s amazing
how you would know that
off the top of your head”

Castle
`

“my father brought my
mother here on their first date
changed names couple times”

Person Of Interest
`

bizzy as a bee

please state your purpose
you have a special purpose?
steve martin the jerk

they are so busy
diagonal zig zag left
hundreds hovering

up down all around
if their pants are falling down
invisible ones

honeysuckle fragrance
keep doing what you do
carrying on task

alphabet U’s
training for the olympics
perhaps jumping rope

think bees want chinese
balcony screen stops their bite
allowing me mine

(how not to get stung
no running no bare feet shade
they like drinking coke )

lifeguard flip flops

everything funny
begins and ends at walmart
this may be the end

walmart for people
with very large shoes to fill
elevens only

flipping in the sand
one year four sizes too big
stolen one hour

twenty dollar flip
not three dollar walmart pair
did you lose something

yes lost my temper
you look like you lost something
very observant

a pair of lifeguards
deducing thoughts in your head
WAVElength frequency

Next Day

“find stolen shoes
next time leave at life guard stand”
WERE TWO FEET BEHIND you

“we don’t look behind us”
you watch people’s shoes?
“well no not really”

“but who is going
to steal from the lifeguard stand”
a sociopath ?

fruitful multiplying haiku

buy brie december
expiration may thirteen
how does cheese know this
`
he can’t eat butter
i can’t have margarine
his turtle likes chiffon
`
never spending day
with wine spending four thousand
sandy chihuahua
`
why is this called
a preview when you can see
the entire post

`
those fruitcake grocers
don’t sell duke’s mayonnaise although
they do sell fruitcakes
`
baseball nemesis
taking boyfriend to china
leave gehrig behind
`
raindrops kept falling
on my head too every time
i went in the hall

keep having to change
tense from past to present
aggravating haiku
`

her husband’s an ass
father changed him into one
samantha stevens
`

if you go missing
after one hundred years
do they close your case file
`

grapes go forth at once
multiplying into wine
turning toes purple
`

haiku television seven not michael bevan

“sorry i’m just about
to enter sprinkle city
got a problem”

Cap’n Holt / Brooklyn-99
`
“beautiful woman
with a lot to offer
shall we make an offer”

Modern Family
`

“the only coupon
i want is unlimited
leave me alone time”

The Middle
`

“but safety concerns
went out the window two
apple juices ago”

Sheldon afraid of potty on plane
`
“how long does it take
for a birthday cake to fly
to san francisco”

“if your father wants lunch
tell him i left a dollar
in his wallet”

Gracie Allen
`

“i don’t want a nap
i don’t need a nap and
i’m not taking a nap”

The Millers
`
“you would know that what
i’m going to do is
exactly the answer”

Blue Bloods
`

“you’re calling me a
heartless dictator or MOM”
“exactly the same”

Everybody Loves Ray
`

“yeah debra and i
have always dreamed of having
a marriage like you”

Ray to Marie
`
“i’m going to be
mrs. luke spencer again”
“made me work for that”

General Hospital
`

“temporary tattoos
can save a child’s life
tonight at eleven”

news in haiku
`

pirates take two for haiku it’s true

do you have a ship
“i have a boat dingy cars
house and a condo”

`
pirate worrying
living after his parrot
sixty more years

`
senior pirate
making joke at his own expense
he was sixty five
`
whatever he said
was funnier and a haiku
but lost at sea
`
a real live pirate
parrot talking upside down
in myrtle beach
`
talking to people
taking pictures with children
back to their condo
`
see no money change hands
just snapping his likeness
must be true pirate
`

maybe last dinosaur
walked around saying you
can take my photo.

tiny sea silhouette shadowing

we’re eating while
duck paddling today just throw
the bread hold the chatter

seven duck chorus line
and one turtle pops his head
up end of line

just like dancing school
he knows he’s the shortest
thinking he’s a duckling

they live together
turtle mullet ducks on top
pond by tranquil sea

pierre chasing you
halfway ocean for baguette
gambling debt also

quacking believers
bakery resides at sea
coming back for more

saving sufficient
or you will have dirty looks
shadows following

and then the sign says
duck crossing crossing ducks
never cross a duck

other grandmother,garrett morris,b.j. palmer

was totally deaf
hearing aid highest setting
you had to shout

like garrett morris
hearing impaired shouting
saturday night live

even when i shout
and this was the only time
she couldn’t hear me

at twenty one she
hit her head on the cabinet
lost her hearing

now i’m twenty one
husband tells me same story
chiropractic school

woman hits head
how b.j. palmer discovers
chiropractic

wikipedia
entirely different tale
isn’t a woman

my aunt tells me they
both went to chiropractors
i was so amazed

this was when chiropractic
was new to the world
long before our time

stranger doctors said
FLYING in a plane may cause
hearing to return

but she would not fly
should end the anectdote here
i know i would go

doubt that anyone
is more afraid than i am
metal in mid air

not laughing deafness
amused by garrett morris
trying to be him

grandmother’s handbag
carried jelly everywhere
cup of hot water