animal rights & sexual harassment

“when a horse says nay
that’s exactly what he means”
sexually harass.

Dr. Katz
`
“bob newhart’s fear of
humidity workshop “they
had to sweat it out”
`

” i would take a bullet
for you and bring it wherever
you would like”

Dr Katz to son Ben
`
“my check paid for that
maybe you paid for the bottom
left hand portion”

Larry David / breast implants
`
“well i don’t have to
tell you there was no malted
under the boardwalk”

Edith Bunker
`
“mr. carlin i
don’t know if you noticed but
the ceiling caved in”

Bob Newhart
`

so did mine bob
watching you to forget raining
through roof onto floor
`
“you’re saying there’s a
tyrannosaurus rex lost
in N Y City”

White Collar
`
“if i’ve learned anything
from paula deen at all
it’s keep my mouth shut”

Raising Hope
`

“she’s incredibly
famous for having orgasms
during sermons”

Rev
`

`

Standing In A Sea You Cannot See

wanting french fries
the way G-d intended them with
salt and heinz ketchup

dolphin pairs undulate
unbroken no footprints
calm wind no more blows

who’s idea was this
going back to glasses of
the 1950’s

arm deer with rifles
giving them a fighting chance
9 mm uzi
`
Pooling Pool Thoughts
replaced by Enchanting Fog
prepossessing charm
`
fog twenty five feet
larry david heaven scenes
honoring life birds

actually never
forgetting beautiful fog
exactly heaven

picturing movies
wanting to stand here always
april attraction

magic fog surrounds
cannot see ten feet away
capturing beauty

no one else in world
completely calm alone as
if G-d is with you

knowing the only
reason you feel this way is
because of tv

nothing like highway
only fear is you cannot
see where the sea is.

slowly reaching you
cannot even see past first
wave on your toes

totally surrounded
delightful fogginess
eventually

magically lifting
two other signs of life
appearing in distance

sigh of relief
not one with the sea he might just
run ashore get ya

and no one would know
when no one else is looking
parting in two halves

Chew Tobacco Spit

Starting to grow on me
the words not the music
so hilarious.

`
don’t understand what
any of this means so i
wrote 2 country songs:

“baby you make me
want to roll my windows down
and cru uu uise”?

” talking to a red solo cup”? (aren’t you drunk )?

“chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco spit”?

“no shoes no shirt no problem”? (usually a problem)?
`
so i wrote these songs,(they’re at least haiku),like wierd al yankovic:
I

All i need is a man
who hates country music
as much as i do.

Likes blue solo cups
doesn’t spit tobacco or
tangle grandma’s yarn.

Just leaves cruise controls
to the pilots when we
get our shine on.

He’s sweeter than
Dixie Crystal sugar and tanner
than Sue Bee honey.

He’s my sweet potato
casserole with marshmallows
and brown sugar.

No shoes no shirt
no pants full service
no tattoo big problem.

II can slso be sung to dave brubeck’s take 5:

if only you didn’t
have a cross on your back
cause i’m jewish.

it’s my cross to bear
we can’t be buried together
it’s unlawful.

YOU CAN”T be buried
in a jewish cemetary
with a tattoo. chorus

why hasn’t anyone
written a song about this
in my lifetime.

it would have saved you
a lot of terrible pain
and more pain today.

You Can’t be buried
in a jewish cemetery
with a tattoo. chorus

that’s why i don’t
have one and i never will
wouldn’t if i could.

Larry David show
they had to move his mother
cemetery plot.

You Can’t be buried
in a jewish cemetery
with a tattoo…
~
(note in haiku):
( while i find larry david
the most hilarious
jew that i know.

next to mr. mishuginah
don’t enjoy the
self loathing jew bits.

mr. narcissist wants
to bribe someone changing
5000 year laws.

that is like asking
the pope to change good friday
to a thursday).

~

3 jews and a cowboy cafe

a tale of coincidences`

it was thursday night at the cowboy cafe`, in arlington , va. realizing i could buy my own condo and not have larry david silly arguments about planes and lightning. i had my own table , my own city paper and the chef would bring a cheese quesadilla and not let me pay. i could go see any movie i wanted to, every movie in the city paper, without
having to wait for mr. mishuginah to decide out of 10 newspapers , which review was the best. heaven knows i didn’t have enough sense to pick a good movie, having seen every trailer known to mankind. a good movie is one that has no music , very depresssing and an old woman dies in a foreign language, apparently.

as i was waiting for my cab driver, at the window, mr. mishuginah , who had apparently been sitting at the bar began speaking to me. after a long time, still with my back turned, thinking that was the universal sign for saying i’m not speaking to you, finally i said i am not speaking to you. he laughed and said that i just did in an adorable way. i told him, i felt like i had to, since he didn’t realize this. he had sent a letter, to s.c. a month after i stopped speaking to him, but i wouldn’t get that letter for 7 years.
he didn’t tell me. my neighbor had placed the letter in a drawer. after 4 years ,i did speak to him, because my chiropractor made me. then again, a few weeks later, at a synagogue on rosh hoshannah, when you have to speak to people you are not speaking to…it’s the law, but i added that was the only reason why and if i see you somewhere tomorrow,i will not be speaking to you.

back to the cowboy cafe thursday…
i went to my new condo and saturday night i was at a synagogue in another state, potomac maryland. someone walked up to me and said thursday night , you were at the cowboy cafe, in arlington.you were wearing gloves…then he went into a very long story ,telling me everything i was wearing and that i was reading the city paper. ( i was pretending to read the city paper, in the dark, so no one would come sit with me).i realized that he had been sitting at the bar with mr. mishuginah.then he said he was a writer and where he worked and it was a block from my new condo.he had the very same job as mr. mishuginah, in the same building, for the same company. could it be true ? there were three jews at a cowboy cafe, thursday? i don’t know which part was the hardest to believe, but he knew what i was wearing. he said he was worried about my ride, because he drove around the block to make sure they had come. other than your husband , you go out with three people in your life and 2 have the same exact job , less than 1000 people have this job in the world, probably closer to 200 ,and they are both jewish. we don’t even have that many unmarried jews in s.c. it was very hard to believe . they didn’t know each other and they were both sitting at the tiny bar. i asked if he was there to kidnap me: it was the strangest thing i had ever heard. two states in two days.it was a joke, but he said yes. and he did. i wasn’t afraid, because my cab driver was also a police officer.

“don’t get around much anymore”

“faded memories
i might have gone but what for
my mind’s more at ease”

jim cramer will wake you up

“morning in haiku”

jim cramer wakes you

larry david keeps you up

marathon til three.

prostate man stomping

ceiling of paper mache

interfering men.
——
things his parents said

trousers slacks, ishkabibble

will emulate jim.

call me anything

don’t call me late for dinner

poor boy but good boy.
—-
do haiku wake you

vitameatyvegamin

listless tiresome feeling.

—
slumber’s little joke

bottom pillow moves to top

how did this happen.
—

phoport’s photograph

cow asking for oreo

already has milk.

is your boyfriend crazier than larry david

in the tv land marathon of curb your enthusiasm, cheryl calls larry, from a plane she thinks may be crashing in a storm. larry says just a minute, the tivo guy is here. she , rightly so ,left him, running far away with the man in the next seat.

it was the year 1998, when the airport was called national. my boyfriend said why don’t you come to d.c. for a week. after a week, you are packing and he says why don’t you stay another week.then you spend the entire evening on hold changing your ticket.then, why don’t you stay another week. then why not 3 more days. why not one day. why not another week.. it always ended after 4-6 weeks, but you never knew that would be how it turned out. well you might, but i didn’t. twelve round trips…

so, one sunday there was a terrible storm,lightning, not quite hurricane hugo , when we arrived at the airport. i am afraid of planes in the sun,on the ground.there was no way i was going to get on the plane, but mr. mishuginah decided it was time to go. he didn’t want to take me home, so i said take me to a hotel. finally, he took me home.

well at least larry didn’t put cheryl on the plane in a storm.and he claims he didn’t hear why she was calling.

turbulant nightmares

caring only about self

lightning strikes above.

—

during my funeral

asking to play golf

because it was too long.

larry david in the carpool lane

(larry david’s how to use the HOV lane haiku:
picking up on the side of the road & driving with prostitutes is helpful when late
to baseball games:then you can use the hov lane)… favorite episode…

hurried driving late
using ladies of night rushing
to baseball games.

larry can’t play golf haiku

weathermen ,wrong predictions
stealing golf tee times from larry david.

bob’s burgers:larry david specials V

larry david daily special burger :
your aunt died, but i want to go play golf this Morningstarsausage farm burger,
i have khaki tent pants ,so why not Tentedburger with aluminum foil to seal in the juices ,
don’t drink out of my glass celophane noodle shrimp and whynot porktooburger,

bob’s specials today:
“analyze this” billy crystallized ginger burger (it looks marvelous),
the jimmy falLondon broil burger ( never ever ever served with mayonnaise
he really loves this burger)
bewitched and “Beware” samantha and sammy davis jr “too close for comfort” food double burger,
“the cougar-cogat burger” another delicious pairing of courtney cox and bandleader violinist xavier cugat,
paul simon “you can call me spinach Al fredo burger,
frank sinaTravolta burger will make you sing and dance
the Brittany “Gimme More” Spears of asparagus burger,
the caspar weinberger, you guessed manischewitz wineburger,
Mama Cass t a net over this swordfishburger,
marie barone steak pizzaiola burger with homeade RAGU and Taragon sauce on panfocaccia,
rick SpringonionField served on a field of mixed greens,
and “The Closer” thank-you peppermintpattyburger with reeses pieces on the side

bob’s burgers special today IV

bob’s burgers daily specials IV:
sheldon “bazinga” spaghetti and tiny hot dog burger
the big bang ladesh burger with yogurt lentil sauce
the gluten free grainfed tofu soy free burger
share this :Sony side up and Cher burger
“take five” Brew (bru) Beck beerburger
the myrtle beach boys II men Apocalypse burger
the “fiddler on the roof” of your mouth peanut butter and banana burger and desert apple strudel
cootie williams Ain’t the gravy good on this parmesan crusted steakburger
cee lo Green tea roasted Red peppers and “Crazy” sweet vidalia georgia onion christmasburger
haloween “hungary for a ghoulash burger
Old christine New england clam chowder burger for the adventurous
hershey kiss today goodbye burger
Meyer lemon tree very pretty burger
rise and shine on harvest moon pie burger
smothers brothers 5 cheeses burger
fire up the grill jalepano burger
school’s out for summer squash burger
pumpkin pie r round not square man hippie burger