baking dozen thirteen

“when you’re fourteen
the world is a very confusing
and sexy place”

Ray Barone to his mother
`

“i’m a bad father
like ernest hemingway or
some other writer”

Peter Griffin / Family Guy
`

“george always says that
one woman like me is enough
for any man”

Gracie
`

“just so the ice cream
doesn’t go to waste i think
you better eat it”

Ward Cleaver to Beaver
`

“you’re all a bunch of
pigs i smell bacon this whole
place reeks of bacon”

“and guess what I’m
going kosher cause jerkey don’t
dig on swine wo oo”

Brooklyn 9-9
`

“if i’m gonna be
a donor i’d rather give
it to the red cross”

mosquitoes / Petticoat Junction
`

“when i go to heaven
will i be anatomically
correct”

Raising Hope
`

“you need to take a
step closer to the world
we are living in ”

About A Boy
`

“I’ve looked into the
eyes of traitors before casey
you’re no traitor”

Person Of Interest
`

“look my contempt is
not with the U S it’s always
been with Russia”

The Blacklist
`

“soon you’ll grow into
your grandfather’s shoes
you can be dangerous too”

Maude
`

“if you’re ever in
Japan look me up we’ll take
a bath together”
`

Bob Newhart

my ocean eleven

“this is dr.
frasier crane reminding everyone
life is too short”

Frasier
`

“don’t know why i’m
always getting my britches caught
in my own pitch fork”

Andy Griffith
`

“if this mime turns me
gay i am going to start
bringing gay guys home”

Peter to Lois / Family Guy
`

“if you’re planning on
showing up with your cold feetS
tonight forget it”

Green Acres
`

“your little girl seems
to be getting the better
of my little boy”

Family Affair
`

“Raising Hope was not
filmed in front of a live
studio audience”

Raising Hope
`

“he needs to eat
ten thousand calories a day
maintain muscle mass”

Brooklyn 9-9
`

“how come you can’t talk
about me behind my back
like other mothers”

Darlene on Roseanne
`

“i’ve never seen
a cowboy pulling a wagon
full of sandwiches”

Andy Griffith
`

“you know that’s amazing
how you would know that
off the top of your head”

Castle
`

“my father brought my
mother here on their first date
changed names couple times”

Person Of Interest
`

haiku tv V like chanel

“why must you fight with
your model if you have to fight
fight with your wife”

Gracie Allen

“i’ve had three kids you know
these were not just for show
these were working breats”

Debra / Everybody Loves Ray
`
“we’re taking the hit
but blaming me i thought we
had each other’s back”

Benson on Law & Order SVU
`
“i’d like a bottle
of your eight dollarest please”
your finest wine sir

Brooklyn 99
`
“oh doctor hartley
doris under sedation
is christmas enough”

Mr. Peterson on Bob Newhart
`

“i like the way you
laugh at that likes it not a
possibility”

The Trip
`
” she’s been going on
about that thing like it’s king
tut’s golden undies”

Frank Barone on Everybody Loves Ray
`
“which one is starsky
well obviously the one
on the driver’s side”

Raising Hope
`

“he used to walk
on his tiptoes so he wouldn’t
wake himself up”

(sleepwalking) Gracie Allen
`

“look how cute you look
in your little pajamas
got a back trap door”

Everybody Loves Ray
`

haiku tv where you want to be

“i always hear people
brag about how their carpet
matches their drapes ”

Raising Hope
___

“i want to kiss you
but what about your husband
can kiss him later ”

Maude
___

“let’s go talk about
your case the case of how you
got so damn sexy ”

`
“happy birthday you
sly old fox how many spankings
is it this year”

Brooklyn -99
___

” don’t punish yourself
at least you are deep enough
to know you’re shallow ”

`
“what are you going
to do force me to bring back
your dead relatives ”

Frasier
___

“you once picked a fight
with your own reflection after
having only two ”
(beer)
`
“everybody hang
on to Dottie’s seat belt it’s
the only good one ”

the Middle
___

“just last week i helped
a prince from Nigeria
track down his fortune ”

Mike & Molly

___

“i do have a
favorite and it’s you
girl please no seriously”

(favorite child – Dick Butkus)

The Neighbors

___

“the way we see it
a man is only as big
as gun he carries ”

Family Guy “Death Lives”
NRA or some fictitious gun group
___

___

animal rights & sexual harassment

“when a horse says nay
that’s exactly what he means”
sexually harass.

Dr. Katz
`
“bob newhart’s fear of
humidity workshop “they
had to sweat it out”
`

” i would take a bullet
for you and bring it wherever
you would like”

Dr Katz to son Ben
`
“my check paid for that
maybe you paid for the bottom
left hand portion”

Larry David / breast implants
`
“well i don’t have to
tell you there was no malted
under the boardwalk”

Edith Bunker
`
“mr. carlin i
don’t know if you noticed but
the ceiling caved in”

Bob Newhart
`

so did mine bob
watching you to forget raining
through roof onto floor
`
“you’re saying there’s a
tyrannosaurus rex lost
in N Y City”

White Collar
`
“if i’ve learned anything
from paula deen at all
it’s keep my mouth shut”

Raising Hope
`

“she’s incredibly
famous for having orgasms
during sermons”

Rev
`

`

haiku tv

why is henry VIII
a tudor for goodness sake
playing a vampire?
`
“don’t wake the sick
unless you forgot to take out
the thermometer”

Everybody Loves Ray
`
“i mean even alice
in wonderland has got
to wake up sometime”

Gidget
`
“think you can handle
another round , you better
eat your spinach”

Tom Selleck /Blue Bloods
`
“the lonliest monk
do you happen to mean
thelonious monk?

Hello Ladies/ name three jazz musicians
`
‘can’t tell me you don’t
do it to elizabeth
the pointy finger”

White Collar
`
” if you have any
desire to be back with him
don’t wait too long”
“longer you stay dark
harder it is to come back”
being live person

Covert Affairs
`
“do we have to get
those pills where they sit in
bathtubs in the field”

Raising Hope
`
“carry a saw in
your pocket, is that what you
said when you met mom”

Bob’s Burgers
`
“the roses are for
my girlfriend the chrysanthemums
are for my wife”

Who said this?
`
“for g-d’s sake a haiku is only 17 syllables & it doesn’t
even have to make sense”
The Millers

not a haiku they
couldn’t even think of one
if it’s so simple?
moi
`

duck duck duck seagull

pierre stands behind
to the right favorite spot
two inches behind

how do you know him
because all ducks look alike
he will push your knee

game that children play
taking bread from my fingers
every other duck

saltwater swimming
paddling their feet while eating
suddenly seagulls

crash landing flapping
scare everyone taking bread
away darling ducks

motionless afraid
ducks pretend they are statues
looking for hitchcock

i am so afraid
of him even though i’ve never
seen his movies

i imagine this
ducks are imagining too
unfriendly seagulls

no they aren’t imagining
ducks experiencing
seagulls pecking


john writes friends at work
december i’m at the beach
seventy seven

of course jealousy
then everyone grows colder
i explain the wind

13 m.p.h.
ten day forecast is shocking
checks out on their phones

have i turned into
weather channel ask bitter ben
he will tell you

why do we yell fore
golf course hit on the noggin
look ahead beware